she has always been an inspiration and role model of how we should love.
and for me, i feel strongly that love has been this mandate in my life…

it’s just hard to love when you know you yourself has so much darkness within you. and the more you dwell in your darkness, the more you sink away in your flesh that is literally death. carl jung calls this our “shadows”. (haha i’m not a great fan of the psychoanalytic theories by jung and freud, but hey, they had to start some place right? don’t even get me started on freud’s theories of the phallic stages and the oedipal complex…)

anyhoo, the talk i had with my mom was so enlightening last week… powerful rebuke in the most loving and encouraging way.
she reminded me that i was to love and to have the bigger heart because that is my purpose and gifting.
once, i was complaining and grumbling to bryan saying how i get annoyed when people don’t have manners and are rude when we open the door for them, and what not. “why don’t they say thank you?”
but he just looked at me and said, “that’s not right. you shouldn’t expect things from them when you do things for them.” i looked at him and said, “dang… you’re right…” hahaha.

why do i love wanting something in return? and when i don’t get it, i become hurt. (not with many people, but with a very few of my close friends at times. but i know that is part of our nature. business, economy, relationships– this world functions in the concept of reciprocation. but that’s why it’s so crazy how Jesus died for us and we have NOTHING we can give to Him, but all He wants for us is to just be in relationship with Him and to love Him with our everything. i guess you can argue that that is some kind of giving back to what He has done, but that wouldn’t work with our society. a country wouldn’t do something incredible for another country they are in trade with or alliance with and ask the other country they just need to be on their side… well, sometimes they do that because being on the side of another country entails submission to that country where the country in power can be in power and utilize or even exploit the other country’s resources, etc. okay, you get my point. in loving and following Jesus, we are going against our very nature…. we are living in the spirit and not in the flesh… and it’s hard to follow after Him, but it’s worth it… He is good…)
(wow, completely being side-tracked. story of my life.)

ANYWAY, back to the topic of love…
i need to love out of overflow from my intimacy with Him, not out of my flesh. i thought i learned this. but it’s being tested and sharpened… He’s placing me in situations where i am learning what it means to love — and in that, my issues will come out and my flesh will be so evident. i know i’m weak, i’m foolish, i’m inadequate, i’m broken. but in that, He is made strong in me.. i become founded in Him… and He can bear much (or more than now) fruit through this sharpened tool.

it’s interesting– p. ting said that the satanic bible doesn’t tell you to sacrifice virgins or do some crazy religious ritual, but to just follow the desires of your flesh. interesting… following your flesh will kill you spiritually. spiritual death.
we have to set our gaze on what is above and walk in the spirit…

help me to fix my gaze on you–
where there is hope.
peace.
joy.
the fullness of you.

oh boy, ’cause apart from you, when i’m in my flesh, i am a wreck.
but when i’m good with You, i am fryin’! (flyin’).

His kindness brings me to repentence….
and i repent for so many things…

in my heart, things were not right.

thank You for Your loving kindness that brings me back to You..

i must not be so impatient and anxious about what You are preparing me to be…
help me to trust…
You do all things good for Your children; You finish the good work You have started in us…
the best is yet to come.

there’s nothing i can do but surrender.
in surrender, there is victory.

i can only be filled and satisfied by You.

i just had this random urge to write this.
i really want to be happy in life i think i can be happy…

light & happy. weeeee.
i want to enjoy life again.

everything is meaningless.

Love, Where is Your Fire? _Brooke Fraser

Love, where is your fire
I’ve been sittin’ here smokin’ away
Making signals with sticks
And odd ends and bits
But still there’s no sign of a flame

Imposters have been passing
Offerin’ a good-feeling glow
But I’m holding out
For what you are about
An inferno that burns to the bone

Some urge
Me to be temperate
Luke-warm will never do

‘Cos I, I wanna blaze with you
So I’m holdin’ my heart out to you
Holdin’ my heart out

So I stand, handing out torches
Speaking words that are lamps to their feet
‘Til the time when you come
And I’m whole and we are one
And the fire in me is complete

Some tell me
To be moderate
But lukewarm will never do

‘Cos I, I know I’ll blaze with you
So I’m holdin’ my heart out to you

Then a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind
That I’ll offer you me, and you’ll politely decline
So I hasten to mute it
I’ll shout and rebuke it away

i’m having one of those bittersweet moments. i’m sad to leave home and the family i truly love, but i’m also excited to return to berkeley for my last year.
i’m excited to return to kcpc and small group lead. i pray and know that God will hand-pick each and every girl that is to be in my small group. i pray for much purpose and love within the group. honestly, i just want God to show up and really make Himself real to us… or i guess i really want to see that. i desperately need His grace to love these girls and fight for their well-being… heh, i just want to see God somehow, that’s it.

so because it’s gonna be my last year and all, it makes me think of what college has done to me, how much ive changed and learned about myself, and all that great stuff. i know it’s very cliche to say college has changed me much, but i gotta say it. and my experiences this past summer has brought ‘change’ to a new level. i can’t say i’ve changed for the better or for the worse, but i’m glad i’m changing and growing. i feel like i’ve entered into deeper levels of intimacy that ive never experienced before. i faced fears and confusion that was a battle for my mind. i’ve tried to fight for what is good. i’ve been burnt out, jaded, numb, but being in those places somehow made me so eager to hold onto faith, love, and compassion because life without these are really empty. before, i’ve had dreams wanting to live out life and live it out loud. but im learning what that really looks like.. and the process is slow and difficult. what does it look like to hold onto love and things that are good? it’s a constant fight and struggle– but it’s worth it. i want to be ALIVE. i want to LIVE. anyone can survive, but not everyone can truly live.

summer has been nice. the beginnings displayed much confusion, trouble, guilt, contemplation, and search. but by the end of this summer, i feel like i’ve gained something so precious….

anyway, the most unexpected things always happen. haha, reminder to self- don’t fret, and don’t think too much.

okay, my blogs are always so all over the place, haha.

so i’m settling in at home after returning from kenya, and it’s so nice seeing the family and close friends. seems like lots of changes are happening not only for me, but everyone around me. it’s an interesting time. everything seems a bit surreal — almost like a dream.
i’ve been fitting in back into the states quite well, except my physical body is having its fits. i’m jetlagged and tired almost 24/7. i keep forgetting to take my malaria pills.
anyway, i’ll be here in southern california for the rest of the summer except july 30th-aug 4th, i’ll be in berkeley.

something inside of me makes me miss home even though i’m home.
do you ever feel like that?

we went on a matatu today to go to town to eat lunch. we only had half the amount of money needed to get to town, but some kind man on the matatu told us he’ll bargain for us. he took our coins, and we were able to get on, but it seemed a bit strange to me. why would a random stranger be so nice to us? there must be some motive behind his kindness. he probably wanted us to pay him later, take him back to the states with us, or buy him lunch. anyway, sitting in the matatu for about 30 minutes was a bit nerve-wrecking because i had crazy thoughts running through my head. some matatu businesses are actually organized and controlled by gangs and/or the taliban. so i had crazy thoughts.. what if they kidnapped us or threw us out of their matatu’s in some dangerous and strange place?

anyway, that man who told us he’ll bargain for us actually paid for us and did not ask for anything in return. i was really surprised and touched.

i guess i am really jaded to think that people can’t even do little nice things like that without other motives and intentions.

one more week left here it will be a busy week with a final, final presentation, and a field trip.